*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
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[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
ok this is my dumbest yet
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.