[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
But I really needed water water water
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth