I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online