#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.