“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops