Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
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The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.