(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.