COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Tremendous stuff
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.