If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum