God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Encore…
(by @ZachWeiner )
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.