Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read