On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.