Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.