“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.