i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.