Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You Might Also Like
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”