I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
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Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)