me working on my assignments ^-^
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Employees must applaud the planets.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
#Caturday
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about