Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
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My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Admin smashed it 😂
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.