“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
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*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
i choose….tongue
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.