Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Sponch
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You are not alone 💚
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Okey dokey.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn