[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My whole life was a lie.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
#math
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.