opening a flower shop called women in stem
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house