Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?