You Might Also Like
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Life with a cat in one tweet
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.