Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
But I really needed water water water
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.