“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
shut up and take my money
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.