How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Am I having a stroke?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.