I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
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6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
They got a point!
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.