Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”