Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”