This has made my week.
You Might Also Like
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?