[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?