8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Who’s your best friend?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?