Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Holy moly
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Miscakes
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭