me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Just so funny
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.