I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?