Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy