just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Do not levitate over flowers
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Camping tip: No.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”