If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
when someone compliments me
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny