All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”