Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.