Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it