Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
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“just sayin” who asked you though?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
all that yoga finally paid off
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.