Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
i can’t wait that long
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.