Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
good morning
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.