i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!