[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
You Might Also Like
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
😂😂
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”