just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Please do it!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.