[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
nature’s most graceful animal
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.